I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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