i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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