I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
