he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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