I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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