just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
