I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
