He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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