I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
