I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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