she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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