I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
