so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
