just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
