you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
