I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
