update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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