Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
