grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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