Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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