I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
