You really coming over, don't trick.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
