i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
