dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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