If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
