walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
