My pussy is not your playground.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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