the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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