I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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