i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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