The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
