she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
