Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
