1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
