I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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