Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
