I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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