Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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