youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
