im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
