I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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