So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
