I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
COCAINE IS GR8
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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