Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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