I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
