The best revenge is premature balding
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
