YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
