seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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