I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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