I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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