Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
