I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize