Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
