i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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