I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
