Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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