Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
