Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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