for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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