there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
