It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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