i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
