My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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